


Unsolicited PR From A Pirate

by Everything_or_Anything, lastbattlecry, RogueLadyVader (LaylaYuy), TessaDoesThings, wanderingjedihistorian (RangerJedi67)



Series: Tessa's Soft Wars [4]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Action Figures, Gen, HoloNet, Hondo Ohnaka: Agent of Chaos, Jedi, Star Wars AU - Soft Wars, We love the Jedi and the Galaxy Should Too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25582546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everything_or_Anything/pseuds/Everything_or_Anything, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastbattlecry/pseuds/lastbattlecry, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaylaYuy/pseuds/RogueLadyVader, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TessaDoesThings/pseuds/TessaDoesThings, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RangerJedi67/pseuds/wanderingjedihistorian
Summary: It begins because of Hondo Ohnaka. Approximately 6 months into the clone wars, Hondo Ohnaka releases a series of Jedi action figures. (Becuase it's a good business opportunity, it's not a free PR stunt, no matter what Kenobi says.) These blow up on the Holonet. It evolves from there.Open! Come see, and comment if you have a Jedi/Character you'd like to see!
Series: Tessa's Soft Wars [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1829968
Comments: 123
Kudos: 463
Collections: Jedi-Friendly, Open Source Soft Wars





	1. Jedi Council and Friends

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to everyone who helped me create the idea and who wrote the reviews for the story!

* * *

**!Coming Soon To A Shop Near You!**

AkanhO OhnoH Presents: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Council Edition

The Bio Card included in the packaging reads:

“Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi is the youngest of the Jedi currently sitting on the Jedi Council. He was appointed to the position after the Battle of Geonosis, at the same time he was granted the rank of master. Alongside his council position, Obi-Wan was also granted control of the open circle fleet, which he commands in accordance with the Jedi Council.”

Contents: 1 Jedi Master Kenobi Figurine, 1 Removable Robe, 1 Obi-Wan Kenobi Second Version Lightsaber, 1 Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Council Chair

Fun Fact: Despite the fact that Kenobi’s lineage is infamously full of mavericks, include his own teacher, both Kenobi and his great-grandmaster Yoda sit on the council.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

MaxiSky: “I got my sons that new Jedi Master toy, the Kenobi one, and I just gotta say, It was worth the credits! The figure looks real, and those dimples with that smirk? I might need to get me one!” 5/5

MoBigBer: “Listen, if you haven’t gotten that new Kenobi figure, you should! Interesting facts about the most handsome Jedi this galaxy has probably ever seen, and some amazing voice acting for the little sayings! Now my kids are begging me for the others!” 5/5

Pierceness: “I’ve met Master Kenobi before, probably the nicest man I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting and this doll is very true to form! Don’t have any kids, but wanted one anyway!” 4/5

Aul: “ _KENOBI IS A BLIGHT ON THIS GALAXY AND I WILL DESTROY HIM AND EVERYTHING HE HOLDS DEAR!!!!!..._ But yes, I do so love how the lightsaber comes away, the fool was always losing it.” 2/5

* * *

**!Coming Soon To A Shop Near You!**

AkanhO OhnoH Presents: Kit Fisto, Jedi Council Edition

The Bio Card included in the packaging reads:

“Kit Fisto is a Nautolean Jedi Master who was appointed to the council not long after the battle of Naboo. He was appointed for his specialty for missions to underwater worlds. Since his appointment, Fisto has become famous for his easy-going laidback attitude and his unique attitude towards not wearing a shirt.”

Contents: 1 Jedi Master Fisto Figurine, 1 Loose Fitting Outer Robe, 1 Kit Fisto First Edition Light Saber, 1 Kit Fisto’s Council Chair

Fun Fact: Master Fisto comes from Glee Anslem, a world deeply mired in traditions of nature preservation and it’s won interpretation of the force, which ties into Master Fisto’s own interpretation.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

Teentini: “Eyyy, man, just bought that Fisto toy! Lemme tell you, those abs???? _Damn,_ son I wish I had them! I wouldn’t mind some _quality_ time with him, if ya know what I mean.” 3/5

BoxPhat: “This man is a gift from the Force and should be protected at all costs! Who knew an action figure of a Jedi could smile like that! They even got his abs right… _swoons_ Am now going to plan a vacation to Glee Anselm.” 5/5

PersonBrid: “Master Fisto is the Jedi _most_ concerned with environmental protection. I am so pleased to see his action figure added to the Council line. He really deserves more attention for his excellent work. However, it’s hardly dignified that he has no shirt underneath his robe…” 4/5

* * *

**!Coming Soon To A Shop Near You!**

AkanhO OhnoH Presents: Mace Windu, Jedi Council Edition

The Bio Card included in the packaging reads:

“Master Windu is the current head of the Jedi Order, as named by Master Yoda when he retired from the position. He was the youngest councilor ever when he was appointed to the position several decades ago. He is known for his stern attitude towards his fellow Jedi, but he often uses his position to argue for better treatment for the soldiers of the GAR and protection of Sentient rights.”

Contents: 1 Jedi Master Windu Figurine, 1 Standard Master’s Robe, 1 Mace Windu First Edition Light Saber, 1 Mace Windu’s Council Chair

Fun Fact: Mace Windu’s Lineage has a rich history with the council, on top of his role as the head of the order, His Master (A Mirialian named Cyslian Myr) and his padawan (A Near-Human from Chantrillan named Depa Billaba) have both sat on the council as well.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

HeavenGoal: Don’t you think that the Widnow-Windo, _whatever_ his name is, is a little too, idk, scary maybe??? He needs to smile a bit, no one will buy it if he scares all the kids away!” 2/5

Bristra: “Bought the Mace figurine to put on my desk at work, to remind me to focus. If Master Windu can get work done with Yoda, Fisto, and Kenobi always causing trouble, I can get my work done too!” 5/5

Surugo: “The details on this figurine are fantastic, exactly what an asteemed master such as Mace Windu deserves. He is by far the MOST serious of the Jedi Masters and I love him for it.” 4/5

* * *

**!Coming Soon To A Shop Near You!**

AkanhO OhnoH Presents: Yoda, Jedi Council Edition

The Bio Card included in the packaging reads:

“Master Yoda is over 900 years old, and by now has secured the position of longest standing member of the council. He is credited with having a hand in training nearly every Jedi currently serving the order. He is often found working with the Jedi younglings, or reminding older Jedi of important lessons they have long forgotten. No one alive remembers where he came from or what his species is called, and when asked, Yoda has become very adept at avoiding the question, merely responding, ‘Yoda, I am.’ He is also known for his strange yet endearing speech patterns.”

Contents: 1 Jedi Master Yoda Figurine, 1 Mini Jedi Master’s Robe, 1 Yoda’s Gimmer Stick, 1 Yoda’s floating Hover Chair, 1 Yoda’s Council chair

Fun Fact: Yoda infamously waits in trees for Jedi to pass by before leaping out in front of them and carrying on with their day, just to see how they react.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

Yesde: “Does Master Yo-yo actually talk like that?” 3/5

Fizzba: “Is there any way to make that troll one any bigger? I know it says ‘to scale’, but it’s just so _small,_ I don’t my tooka to accidentally swallow it!” 2/5

Prospin: “Adorable, he is. My nephew loves his Yoda figurine. Spends all his time trying to speak like Yoda. Send help.” 4/5

Spyderca: “I absolute _adore_ this little troll. He's so cute. And I just love his little walking stick. I liked it so much I got one of my own! I now use it to annoy my siblings while spouting holonet wisdom. If only I could get his chair...” 5/5

* * *

The dolls are back. Or sorry, the Official AkanhO OhnoH Brand Certifed Jedi Action figures are back. Obi-Wan knows with certainty that there must be a traitor among the council now – they had removed them all before their meeting yesterday and locked all the doors. In order to pose each action figure so carefully in the chair of the corresponding Jedi would have taken serious dedication. Also, the knowledge as to which Jedi sits where. And, free time, since this is the third time this has happened this week.

“Again? You cannot be serious.” Obi-Wan can hear Adi groan in disbelief. Obi-wan, personally, is mostly impressed as he approaches his seat to discover that the figuring of him has been positioned so that its legs are crossed and the arms are on imaginary tiny armrests, a mimicry of his position yesterday. He has to respect the sheer dedication that must have gone into this.

Really though, it had only been two months since the grand release of Hondo’s latest line of Jedi Productions, and this has happened at least fifteen times. Obi-Wan sighs, but simply uses the force to shift the figurine from being in the middle of his seat to one of the armrests. Then, he slides into the seat, careful to position himself so that the miniature version of himself is undisturbed. A look around the council chambers shows that he’s not the only one who has given in to having a model. Kit has his nestled in his head-tresses, and Mace has rested in his lap.

“A serious problem, this is.” Yoda comments and Obi-Wan barely manages to avoid shaking his head as Yoda uses the force to manipulate his figurine to match his movements with the force. “Being done from inside, this is.” Even Adi can’t really stifle the amusement leaking into the force at model Yoda’s exaggerated movements and faces.

“Hold on, Obi, your figurine doesn’t have a cloak?” Shaak asks.

“I do believe it must have shed it. Truly, the model’s accuracy is very impressive.” Plo responds, clearly smug. Obi-Wan lets out a sigh.

“Really? Are we doing this again? Menaces, the lot of you.”

“Obi-wan, they literally made the cloaks on the model out of the robes you have lost!”

“That is entirely hearsay!” Obi-Wan protests. (He recognizes the carbon scoring on the robe from Adi’s figure. It’s where he got grazed on Felucia.)


	2. Anakin Skywalker Boogaloo

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

Akanho Ohno presents: Anakin Skywalker, Short Hair Edition

The Bio Card in the packaging reads:

“The Hero With No Fear, the Hammer of Geonosis, there is not one single child in the Galaxy who _doesn’t_ know the name Anakin Skywalker. Not much is known about Knight Skywalker’s past, other than that he join the Jedi Order at the ripe old age of nine. What is known, though, is that he’s as rugged as they come, a fearsome sight to behold on the battlefield, and with an easygoing Out Rim drawl that, coupled with his chiseled good looks and eye scar, is guaranteed to make the ladies swoon and sigh. He’s most famous for working alongside his former master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, his Padawan Ahsoka Tano, and Captain Rex of Torrent Company, (each sold separately) Anakin Skywalker has built a reputation as an adrenaline junkie and maverick, an expert at unconventional tactics.”

Contents: One Anakin Skywalker figurine, one detachable right arm prosthetic, one black Jedi Knight robe, one left gauntlet, one left vambrace, two pouldrons, one Jedi-issue gorget, and one third edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber.

Fun Fact: Anakin Skywalker, in addition to being a fearsome General and skilled Jedi, is also has a significant talent for mechanics, specializing in robotics and ship modification. He designed and built his own prosthetic arm after losing the original limb in a duel with Separatist leader Count Dooku of Sereno.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

SkyDreamerDoll625: “He is so gorgeous! Have you seen him on the holonet? Those eyes and that smile! sigh. So hot. Definitely should have kept his hair short though.” 3/5

Tyda: “My kids were never into learning out machines until this dropped! So excited to share what I do with my kids!” 5/5

Wardbi: “Another Anakin Skywalker! swoon All the included contents are just so cool. Can we talk about the detachable arm though? He has one in real life sure, but its sooooooo weird that it actually comes off on the toy. Seriously people, don't lose that arm! But even the figure looks hot. That's just not fair. Can I have an Anakin Skywalker in real life, please?” 4/5

KenobiSkyLuvr43563: “Got this for Life Day and am so excited! I have all the Jedi figures and can’t wait to collect all commanders.” 5/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Lost Lightsaber Pack, Anakin Skywalker Edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Over the course of the short period of war, many Jedi have lost many lightsabers to a variety of causes. Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker is no exception, having lost sabers to: Dooku, Rocks, Gundarks, Rocks, Ventress, and Falling off of Stuff.”

Contents: One first edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber, one second edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber, one third edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber, one fourth edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber, one fifth edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber, one sixth edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber, one seventh edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber, one eight edition Anakin Skywalker lightsaber.

Fun Fact: Knight Skywalker’s teacher, Master Kenobi often pokes fun at him over the number of sabers that the knight has lost, but it is only through sheer dumb luck and the dedication of Commader Cody that Master Kenobi has not lost far more lightsabers than Knight Skywalker.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

Stoopra: "LMAO this dumbass has lost how many? How is this dude still alive?" 4/5

Palister: "LOL Commaner Codes being the real MVP out here, huh? Who knew Jedi were such disaster? XD" 5/5

Geivous:"Another lightsaber added to my collection! coughhack" 2/5

Readerie: "Ever think that the size of those sabers are... compensating for something?" 4/5

DefinitelyNotCaptRex: “My favorite of all the Jedi General figurines. I have each one hung up around my quarters like Life Day twinkle lights. Might have to get a second set to continue the decor. Makes for excellent General Repellent during off hours.” 5/5

LazerSwordFan1200: “The details of each saber model are fantastic! Skywalker’s development as a saber designer is fully on display. The seventh edition is truly inspired. Such a shame it was lost in battle.” 4/5

CommCodyPlzCallMe: “There is no way Master Kenobi could lose his lightsaber even half as often as Skywalker. Have you seen how put together the man is?! I won’t buy this just because of that implication!” 1/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: G-9 Rigger Class Light Freighter, The Twilight

The Info Card in the package reads:

“The Twilight is a modified Freighter Ship owned and piloted by Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker. He did so during a mission to the planet of Teth, where he and his padawan commandeered the ship to make a desperate made dash back to the planet of Tatooine, where it crashed. Knight Skywalker was disgusted by the shape it was in that he had brought back to his fleet and poured time and effort into making a cargo ship into one of the top ships in service of the republic. The Twilight has since flown an impressive 20 missions in the one year it has served The Republic.”

Contents: One to-scale the Twilight Scene Staging Ground, One Small-Scale Twilight Space Battle model piece, 1 R2-D2 with docking port attachment, 1 Anakin Skywalker’s quarters accessory pack, 1 scope, 10 staging laser bolts.

Fun Fact: Before being hijacked by Knight Skywalker, the Twilight belonged to Separatist Assassin Asajj Ventress, and was used to transport kidnapping victims.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

ObesKenobes: "The Twilight being the real hero of the story, it's the only ship Ana- I mean, Knight Skywalker hasn't crashed." 3/5

Clapbob: "It's so cool how you can set up your own little battle! I'm having so much fun with my kids setting this up!" 5/5

Sakiss: "This hunk of junk is what's helping to save the Republic? Damn, we're screwed then." 2/5

Rightsa: "It's almost poetic how this piece of garbage is what the heroes of the Republic are tooting around in. It shows that nothing can become something!" 5/5

IonTown: "Twenty missions??? How many is that in the scheme of the war???" 4/5

SpaceIsForDreaming: “It’s a piece of junk. Not sure how this disaster flew 20 missions in a single year, let alone in its lifetime. Skywalker must really be a genius to get this thing off the ground. A great addition to the collection! So glad I got it!” 4/5

DroidDude501: “Love the detail of the staging scene and the battle models. And R2-D2’s model is great. Wish he would his own figurine.” 4/5

* * *

“I should be upset, but really I’m just impressed Snips.” Skyguy has his arms crossed in front of his chest, standing in the doorway of the Twilight’s cockpit. Dangit, Ahsoka had put time and effort into this, she was hoping for more reaction than that! Also, he’s blocking the doorway, and she wants into the cockpit as well. Luckily, so does R2, because he lets out a shrill cry, and then zaps Skyguy with his shockstick. Ahsoka’s master hisses in pain, but steps aside, and the Togruta slips by him after the droid.

“Huh. Did you add the extra lightsabers?” Ahsoka turns and asks her master. In front of them, in the middle of the cockpit of their ship is a large model of the twilight, and then several smaller model ships. It’s set up to look like their last dogfight. Ahsoka was quite proud of it. Except now, inside the to-scale model of the Twilight, someone has added a whole bunch more lightsabers scattered around all of the rooms.

“What? No! I thought you put those there?” Upon closer inspection, Ahsoka realizes she recognizes some of them. She picks one up, and runs a finger along it’s tiny hilt.

“Isn’t this the saber you lost back on Kiros?” She asks him. Skyguy immediately shakes his head in denial.

“What? No!” Ahsoka laughs, and gently plucks the blade from the saber in Figurine Skyguy’s hand, and snaps it into the model she’s holding instead.

“I do believe that your padawan is correct, Anakin.” Master Obi-Wan’s voice comes from the doorframe, and Ahsoka’s head snaps up to see him leaning across the doorframe her master must have vacated. Said Master begins spluttering out protests. “Now, you two, I do believe we have a supply run to complete.” Ahsoka definitely doesn’t blush in response to that because she definitely hadn’t forgotten about that mission.

“I’ll clean it up right away then, Master Obi-Wan.”

“There’s no need for that, it’s hardly in the way. We’ll all be seated, not wandering around it.” Master Obi-Wan responds, and a mischievous spark appears in his eyes, “Besides, I quite like it. I had quite a laugh when I found it yesterday.” He adds like he’s imparting some great secret.

“Wait. Master Obi-Wan, were the lightsabers you?” Ahsoka asks incredulously. He just laughs.

“Obi-wan!” Skyguy cries out in protest, but the redhead simply makes his way through the staged battle to his seat, ignoring the surprise from both Ahsoka and her Master. She knows he will deny his smirk until the end of time, and wishes she had a Holocam with her. 

She also very politely does not point out the empty spot at his side where his saber should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [BigFoot175](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigFoot175/pseuds/BigFoot175), for submitting & creating the Anakin skywalker figure! I had a lot of fun with him.
> 
> Thank you again to Lady, and Crys for reviews, and this time we have reviews from Wander and Ace as well!


	3. Plo Koon and Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plo Koon uses adopt, Plo Koon Figure is rewarded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great thanks again to Wander, Lady, and Crys for their help with the reviews!

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Plo Koon, Jedi General Edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Jedi Master Plo Koon is the Jedi General of the 104th battalion, better known as the Wolfpack. The Kel Dor is known among the entire Grand Army of the Republic (GAR) as being a very kind man, and many of those who have served alongside him have even gone so far as to describe his relationship with his men as paternal. Koon and his battalion are best known for their roles in major battles which include Felucia, as well as Zygerria, and the capture of Quardemy. They are also well known for their many humanitarian missions.”

Contents: One Plo Koon General Figure, One Plo Koon first edition lightsaber, One Standard Master’s Robe, One Plo Koon Upper Body Armor, One Kel Dor Oxygen Mask, Two Kel Dor Eye Shields

Fun Fact: General Koon is a Kel Dor, which is a species that is very sensitive to shifts in light and Oxygen, and therefore he wears his mask and eye shields to protect himself.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

CapoV2: "So basically Plo Koon is the Ultimate Dad. That's cool. His next action figure should come with a galaxy's best dad shirt. I am a little worried about all the small pieces on this one though. They do sort of ask to be misplaced." 3/5

Stoncom: "The detail on this one is pretty sweet, what with all the extra things that come with it. I never thought about that complications a non-human would face in a human-centric environment. I certainly will now! Plo Koon might be my favorite Jedi now. Just don't tell Obi-Wan Kenobi." 5/5

DeviousQueen1245: “PLO KOON!! He is the coolest of all the Jedi Generals. His troops call him Dad! What more do you need to know? And he’s just so cute!” 4/5

Merbest: "Eeeyyy, that Koon fellow seems pretty cool! Wonder if he'd adopt me too X3" 4/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Commader Wolffe, Second Edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Commander Wolffe (Designation CC-3636) is the Commader of Plo Koon’s 104th battalion, which has been called the Wolfpack, likely in tribute to their commander. Commander Wolffe has been serving with General Koon since the start of the war, and is one of the three surviving members of the original battalion. The battalion was nearly wiped out at the start of the war while hunting the Separatist Grevious’s deadly ion cannon. The battalion now wears grey paint on their amor, which is a color of mourning in traditional Mandalorian culture.”

Contents: One Commander Wolffe Figure, One set of Commander Wolffe removable armor, One set of Commander Dress Grey Uniforms, One Commander Wolffe Bucket Helmet

Fun Fact: Commander Wolffe received his scar and lost his eye during a battle with the assassin Asajj Ventress, but he has not let that slow him down!

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

KaiSpy: "Ok, I've got to know. How do you make an action figure look *that* completely disgusted with the universe. Wolffe looks so cranky. I love it!" 4/5

Herball: "Wolffe's story is so sad but yet he's still a badass. Look at that scar! Fierce. You either want this action figure or you're boring. I don't make the rules." 5/5

FlavoredRat: "If. You. Squeeze. Him. He. Can. Roll. His. Eyes. Wolffe is officially my favorite and he is the embodiment of my general feelings towards the galaxy and everyone in it. I understand this man on a spiritual level." 5/5

H000wwwlllsAtTheMoons: “Wolfpack! Wolfpack! Wolfpack! Commander Wolffe is the fiercest commander in the GAR. He just can’t be stopped. This second edition is a solid addition to the Commanders collection. So glad I bought it before it sells out.” 4/5

ChikzDigScarz: “Commander Wolffe rocks! His scar is way cooler than Commander Cody’s. I will not hear otherwise!!” 5/5

Jinli: "Oh, damn. That's so sad about Wuff! I hope he's doing ok!" 3/5

MonsterTalk: “That Wollfe one? Damn I'd like to - **redacted** \- with that man." 5/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Bultar Swan, Jedi Knight Edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Jedi Knight Bultar Swan was the padawan of Micah Gillett, a known blade master. However, after his untimely death, Swan was trained to knighthood by Master Plo Koon, making her his first padawan. Despite her first master’s prowess with his lightsaber, she was a known diplomat and pacifist. Before the first battle of Geonosis at the opening of the war, she had never taken a life. She is also known for her flat out refusal to continue to harm those who she has the upper hand over.”

Contents: One Jedi Knight Bultar Swan Figure, One Bultar Swan First Edition Lightsaber, One Standard Jedi Knight Robe, One Bultar Swan’s Multipurpose Belt

Fun Fact: Bultar Swan is best known for her successes at both the Foldor Outpost, where she prevented a civil war from breaking out over a disappearing supply ship, and Nallastia, where she prevented a civil war from breaking out over then Jedi Knight Kenobi’s hand in marriage.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

Decket: "This poor thing just wants to keep the peace and look at her having to fight a war. So unfortunate. But can we talk about how a war almost started over Obi-Wan Kenobi's hand in marriage? Because I'd fight someone for his hand, not going to lie." 3/5

ToyTastic: "Gotta love a woman with standards. I'd love to learn more about her!" 4/5

MarryMeObiWanKenobi: “What?! He almost got married?! Nooooooooo! General Kenobi is going to me marry me! He has to! I once saw him in person and he actually looked me in the eye! We’re meant to be! Knight Swan has been upgraded to my second favorite Jedi ever. Thank you, Knight Swan, for saving my darling Obi-Wan!” 4/5

ActionPantz!: “Plo’s first padawan! What a great new action figure. So great to see some of the lesser known Knights being recognized. Love all the accessories.” 5/5

PreciseSky: "That Bular one is pretty neat! I didn't know Jedi did so much!" 4/5

* * *

Bultar Swan hesitates outside the door of her former Master’s apartment when she hears the voices inside because she knows for a fact her Master was supposed to be out right now. A lot of effort had gone into ensuring that he was out right now. She’d traded many favors with Lissarkh to make sure Bultar’s sister padawan distracted Master Plo today. On top of that, someone has adjusted the air filtration systems for human biology already.

Bultar strains against the door, trying to pick out words from the voices she could hear, but other than that they were similar and masculine, Bultar understands nothing. Enhancing her senses had never been a specialty of hers, no matter how good the rest of her lineage was at it. She wraps one hand around her lightsaber hilt, an instinct Master Micah had drilled into her, and the punches the passcode in. The door slides open, and Bultar bursts into her Master’s apartment, bringing her lightsaber in front of her so that it was visible, but not igniting it.

“Who’s there?” She calls out a little louder than she strictly needed to, and is met with a shriek and a thunk as the three clone troopers gathered around Master Plo’s coffee table all practically throw themselves away from the door, scrambling for weapons that they didn’t have on them at the moment. “Oh. Sorry about that, I wasn’t sure who was inside.” She hooks her saber back on her belt, putting her hands up in a surrender motion.

“Who are you?” One of the clones demands. He’s got a blaster Bultar hadn’t noticed before in one hand now, and his one good eye is narrowed at her.

“I’m Jedi Knight Bultar Swan. I was Master Plo’s first padawan.” She gives a lopsided smile. “I was expecting the place to be empty today, sorry if I startled you.” One of the other clones snorts.

“So were we. We heard Knight Lissarkh was keeping Bu- General Koon out today.” Bultar feels a smile break onto her face, well aware of what the clone was going to say. “I’m Sinker, that’s Boost, and the idiot with a blaster is Wolffe.” Sinker gestures to each of his brothers as he introduced them.

“A pleasure.” Bultar gives a small bow to them before sweeping into the kitchen to start her task – she was running behind as it was. When she gets into the kitchen, though, she stops in surprise. On the island in the center of the room are two action figures. There is a figure of Master Plo, positioned in a seated position on top of an overturned teacup, and across from him is what are clearly the action figure of Commander Wolffe positioned behind another overturned teacup. A small cake no bigger than the size of Bultar’s palm rests on top of it.

“We… uh, we can explain.” One of the two Lieutenants comments. She thinks it was Boost but she can’t be sure. Bultar just gives a small snort. She crosses the room to the cabinet Master Plo doesn’t think she knows about and removes the figure he keeps of her from it. Then she moved back, and settled the figure next to the one of Wolffe, before pulling her card out of her belt and slipping it into the figurine’s arms. Now, next to Figure Wolffe’s traditional Kel Dor Life Day cake, figure Bultar Swan had a life day card too. She could hear the three clones sniggering.

Now, she just had to make the meal she had planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel I should explain before someone is confused: The short stories at the end are set in the Soft Wars universe, hence it being a Soft Wars story, but everything that is described in the info cards has been checked and is Canon/legends. Links to Wookiepedia can be provided.
> 
> I freakin love Bultar Swan, ok?


	4. March of the Commanders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next line of commanders is released - the clone commanders of the GAR

_ Priority _ _ Alert: _

_Ponds: Vode. Vode. Vode. I have really important news._

_ Priority Response: _

_Gree: Oh Force._

_ Priority Response: _

_Neyo: What’s on fire now._

_ Priority Response: _

_Ponds: Why do you assume something is on fire?!?_

_ Priority Response: _

_Colt: You’re a Shebs, it’s always safe to assume something is on fire._

_ Priority Response: _

_Ponds: Where are my batchmates? Have they all abandoned me to this bullying?_

_ Priority Response: _

_Fox: Yes._

_ Priority Response: _

_Doom: Or it’s possible they are off actually fighting the war?_

_ Priority Response: _

_Ponds: I have been ABANDONED._

_ Priority Response: _

_Cody: You said you had important news?_

_ Priority Response: _

_Ponds: Have you checked the Holonet recently._

_ Priority Response: _

_Bacara: This chat is a disgrace._

_ Priority Response: _

_Cody: I have not._

_ Priority Response: _

_Doom: I’m busy fighting the war._

_ Priority Response: _

_Fox: Some Senator rerouted all of our holonet bandwidth again, so no._

_ Priority Response: _

_Bly: I have and I am trying not to think about it._

_ Priority Response: _

_Wolffe: I have, and it has made my life. I have never had a better decanting day present._

_ Priority Response: _

_Rex: It’s not your decanting day._

_ Priority Response: _

_Ponds: Wolffe you’ve never had a decanting day present._

_ Priority Response: _

_Jet: Winder is behind the barricade right now, no holonet connection. What are we missing?_

_ Priority Response: _

_Ponds: So._

_ Priority Response: _

_Bly: Ponds No._

_ Priority Response: _

_Wolffe: Ponds Yes._

_ Priority Response: _

_Ponds: The latest line of Ohnaka’s action figures came out last night._

_ Priority Response: _

_Gree: Oh Force, no._

_ Priority Response: _

_Fox: Did he finally do the line of senators like he’s been threatening?_

_ Priority Response: _

_Cody: Just looked it up. No, but I can’t decide if this is better or worse._

_ Priority Response: _

_Wolffe: Better._

_ Priority Response: _

_Bly: Worse._

_ Priority Response: _

_Wolffe: Worse? How can you think this is worse? Bly._

_ Priority Response: _

_Rex: Oh good, Ohnaka’s finally gone off the deep end._

_ Priority Response: _

_Wolffe: GUYS WE’RE ACTION FIGURES_

_ Priority Response: _

_Gree: What._

_ Priority Response: _

_Fox: Well, that’s very Shebse._

_ Priority Response: _

_Rex: It’s not just the Shebse._

_ Priority Response: _

_Gree: I repeat, what._

_ Priority Response: _

_Cody: He got you too Fox, and I have to say, the likeness is surprising._

_ Priority Response: _

_Neyo: kot._

_ Priority Response: _

_Bly: Neyo, he got you too._

_ Priority Response: _

_Bacara: This is disgraceful._

_ Priority Response: _

_Jet: Send pictures._

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Commander Cody, Commanders of the GAR edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Marshal Commander Cody (Designation CC-2224) is the highly competent Commander of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s 212th Attack Battalion and the 7th Sky Corps. As one of the highest-ranking clone troopers he is said to be one of the best soldiers in the army. He is also a very loyal and reliable friend. Whenever his general loses his lightsaber, he is always there to pick it up. He also credited with the reformatting of the GAR’s special forces, and personally created the Clone Force 99.”

Contents: One Commander Cody figure, One set of Commander Cody removable armor, One set of Commander Dress Gray Uniforms, One set of Standard GAR Blacks, One Commander Cody bucket helmet, and One special edition Obi-Wan Kenobi lightsaber

Fun fact: He has a mean roundhouse kick and has used this tactic to take down droids on the battlefield.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

T.Rex: "HE PUNCH A DROID WHEN HE HAD A PERFECTLY FUNCTIONING BLASTER AND BROKE HIS HAND." 3/5

CistSnow: "Cmdr Cody!!!!!! His scar is soooooo cool!" 4/5

TargetTiv: "Did i get this toy meant for kids just so i could have him kiss my General Kenobi one? Yes. Yes i did." 5/5

Parkend: “That scar! Makes him look rugged and fierce! I’d want him watching my back any day. If you know what I mean.” 5/5

Willowk: “Ok, this figure is awesome but can we talk about the fact that General Kenobi, The Negotiator himself, loses his lightsaber a lot and this poor man has to pick it up? To the point that they included one in this set. That’s just hilarious to me.” 4/5

Nathpe: “Commander Cody roundhouse kicks droids in the face??? Tell. Me. More. Now I want an action figure of him doing exactly that, by the way..” 3/5

CoCo’sTheGreatest: “Love me some CoCo! This tall drink of water kicks like a dream, rescues his Jedi, and helped create CF99? If you’re looking for a handsome side kick, Commander, I’m the man for you! Love the helmet design!” 5/5

FleetOfJediCloneShips: “Gotta love Marshal Commander Cody. Saw the 212th in action on Ryloth. All the respect for these boys. Love it comes with Kenobi’s lightsaber. I might have lost the one that goes with my General Kenobi figure.” 4/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Marshal Commander Fox, Commanders of the GAR Edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Marshal Commander Fox (Designation CC-1010), is the head of the Coruscant Guard. He is often called in to investigate crimes committed by members of the GAR, as well as reporting personally to the Chancellor. Fox is incredibly dedicated to his job, and works hard to not let his personal bias blind him to facts in any situation.”

Contents: One Commander Fox figure, One set of Commander Fox removable armor, One set of Commander Dress Gray Uniforms, One set of Standard GAR Blacks, One Commander Fox bucket helmet, One Arc Trooper Kama

Fun Fact: As the Marshal Commander of the Guard, Fox is one of the few Commanders to have three other commanders who report to him.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

MaxSis: "Now THAT is a man i wouldn't mind calling daddy..." 5/5

Ratmu: "Oh i heard about this one! I think Fox also has the most medals? He deserves them for having to protect a whole planet!" 4/5

JideSlim: "I met Fox once! He saved my child's life. I never thanked him, but i want too. He deserves the recognition." 5/5

Blazehr: “This figure looks cranky, but if I had to deal with politicians all the time I would too. But Three other commanders report to him, huh? That’s pretty sweet.” 3/5

Inspair: “I don’t envy Fox his job at all. At least his armor color is cool?” 4/5

Lemmeal: “Why are they all red? It’s a very intimidating color you know, not calming at all. None of these come in something nice, like pink”’ 2/5

LongCom: “Kid’s new favorite toy, won’t put the darn thing down. At least it doesn’t make noise.” 3/5

Pspspsps: “I've seen the real Commander Fox and wow, he's dreamy. This action figure captures him well, and until I find a way to get the attention of the real Commander Fox... without getting myself arrested... this one will be a wonderful stand-in.” 5/5

Unreast: “1/5 if I could put no stars I would. I bought the MARSHAL COMANDR FOX but what I GOT was the BOUNTY HUNTER FETT toy in stupid army clothes in stead. Awful customer service! The guy kept laughing everything and wont get a manager and I think there isnt even a manager at all! Terrible.” 1/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Marshal Commander Bly, Commanders of the GAR Edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Marshal Commander Bly (Designation CC-5052) is the Marshal Commander serving at the head of the 327th Star Corps alongside Jedi Knight Aayla Secura. He is best known for being part of the 10 man team who was able to singlehandedly repel the attack on the planet Maridun by Separatist Lok Durd, as well as his work to find and contain the separatist bioweapon known as Trihexalophine1138 on the planet Honohgr. Many have remarked on how close he and Knight Secura have become after both missions.”

Contents: One Commander Bly figure, One set of Commander Bly removable armor, One set of Commander Dress Gray Uniforms, One set of Standard GAR Blacks, One Commander Bly bucket helmet, One Arc Trooper Kama, One Arc Trooper Pauldron

Fun Fact: Bly is one of the few Commanders who regularly uses jetpacks in his tactics, especially in designing an ambush.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

Aolodica: "Hey man, it i had that sweet piece of ass as a general i'd be 'close' too ;)" 4/5

Slaypoo: "Oh that's cool! My sons think that this Bly is one of the best clones, and are constantly talking about him" 5/5

N0WK1TH: “Commander Bly looks so good, and I can't WAIT for General Secura's action figure to come out so I can finally pose them together properly. Please AkanhO OhnoH, we need this, it's urgent, take my money while he's all lonelyTop of Form.” 4/5

LinNot: "Jetpacks, huh? That's nifty! Wish i had a jetpack..." 4/5

SraEditor: “Commander Bly sounds like a badass. Why don’t I know more about him? Life is cruel and unfair. But if he uses jetpacks a lot, this figure should have one. I feel deprived by the lack of jetpack.” 3/5

Nicept: “It’s about time we’re getting figures of some of the lesser known commanders. Bly for the win!” 5/5

IHeartSunsets7592: “Have been a collector of the Akamho Ohnoh figures since they were first released. So glad to see Commander Bly added to the list. Love info about the jet packs. Awesome detail as always!” 5/5

KamaKamaChameleon: “Bly wears a Kama! Love that look! We need a General Secura figure to match. Can you imagine all fantastic holos you can take with these two! Romance is in the stars!” 5/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Commander Ponds, Commanders of the GAR edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Commander Ponds (Designation CC-6454) is the commander of the 91st Mobile Recon Corps, as well as leading the Lightning Squadron. He serves alongside Jedi General Mace Windu, and together they have many critical wins under their belts, most notably being the Liberation of Ryloth. However, they are notably also responsibly for the victory at Behpour, where they ended a Separatist Weapons Division researching how to collapse a sun, and the battle of Juma-9, where they were able to reinforce and rescue Masters Kenobi & Koon, who had been separated from their men and lightsabers.”

Contents: One Commander Ponds figure, One set of Commander Ponds removable armor, One set of Commander Dress Gray Uniforms, One set of Standard GAR Blacks, One Commander Ponds bucket helmet, One Arc Trooper Kama

Fun Fact: Commander Ponds was one of the commanders active on the very first battle of the clone wars, leading a large force on Geonosis.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

Mcst: "Damn, that new commander, Pins or something, is pretty impressive!" 4/5

Hehest: "Why is he bald? It's too shiny, they should have given him some hair!" 2/5

Mewey: "Im crying, my 4 yr old daughter just gasped and said 'oh no! he doesn't have any hair! won't his head get cold?'" 4/5

Leakul: “Sounds like this boy has been through some things. No wonder he looks tired. Nice figure though.” 5/5

Benedia: “Decent action figure. Would have liked some sort of special accessory with him. General Windu must not lose his lightsaber often if Ponds doesn’t come with one like Cody does.” 3/5

* * *

**!Coming soon to a shop near you!**

AkanhO OhnoH presents: Marshal Commander Neyo, Commanders of the GAR edition

The Info Card in the package reads:

“Marshal Commander Neyo (Designation CC-8862) is one of the top clones in the GAR – both in terms of rank and skill. Like many of his fellow marshal commanders, he’s a graduate of an elite training program run by trooper Alpha-17, known as the ARC training program. Commander Neyo works most often with the droid WAC-47, formerly a pit droid, now a decorated hero of the republic. He is best known for his role in the ongoing 5-month siege at Salucami alongside Jedi General Strass Allie.”

Contents: One Commander Neyo figure, One set of Commander Neyo removable armor, One set of Commander Dress Gray Uniforms, One set of Standard GAR Blacks, One Commander Neyo bucket helmet, One WAC-47 figurine

Fun Fact: Neyo is often described as one of, if not the most morbid members of his ARC graduating class.

o – o – o – o

Product Reviews:

GoocKies: “I am loving that Neyo has a little droid friend. It’s seriously the cutest.” 5/5

Sterryist: “So many of these Commanders are ARC trained. I want to know more about that. But I’m enjoying learning about more of the commanders! I have the whole set so far!!” 4/5

Bac.a.Ra: “Expression is adequately judgmental but body language lacks sufficient disdain.” 2/5

Faeriewear: “Is that little mark on his head where you put the kisses?” 3/5  
“I didn’t actually mean to get this one, but I did and now he looks lonely and I need all of the rest of them.” 4/5

Issidge: “Has anyone ever said that these toys are like totally shredded? I’m talking 8 packs. Are they actually like that? Cuz I might need to join the army.” 4/5

ReconRulz: “COMMANDER NEYO! You can never beat the men of the 91st Recon. And Neyo is why. He’s so tough. Never slows down. I wanna be like him! Serious Neyo face Vode An!” 5/5

DreamboatQueen: “Did you see his tattoo?! That is one handsome guy! He can visit me anytime. I’ll bet that morbid personality is just a rumor. Who has a pit droid and is always a downer?” 3/5

VaughningOver8826: “Looking good there, Commander!” 5/5

Droidfeels: “YOU CAN MAKE WAC-47 HUG COMMANDER NEYO'S LEG! THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER! I'M GONNA LEAVE THEM LIKE THAT FOREVER.” 5/5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the wolffe figure was in the last chapter if you're looking for it.
> 
> Thank you again to [Crys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastbattlecry/pseuds/lastbattlecry), [Lady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaylaYuy/pseuds/RogueLadyVader), and [Wander](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RangerJedi67/pseuds/wanderingjedihistorian), as well as [Projie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Project0506) and [PBP](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArwenLune/pseuds/Primarybufferpanel) this time!

**Author's Note:**

> Come! Meet the dumb Jedi firgurines, and comment if there's a Jedi figurine you'd like to see, or even make & submit one yourself with this template:
> 
> !Coming Soon To A Shop Near You!  
> AkanhO OhnoH Presents:  
> The Bio Card included in the packaging reads:  
> “”  
> Contents:  
> Fun Fact: 
> 
> Product Reviews:


End file.
